


Right Here Waiting for You

by len1985



Category: Berena - Fandom, Holby City
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-14
Updated: 2017-05-27
Packaged: 2018-10-31 17:04:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 11,847
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10903704
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/len1985/pseuds/len1985
Summary: Serena comes back from her sabbatical unannounced. She and Bernie don't know where they stand and this is them trying to work it out but with various interventions from other characters.Heard the Richard Marx song the other day, which inspired the title....





	1. Homecoming

Serena hadn’t really known that she was coming back, but now here she is. She had only made the decision days before she flew back to the UK. She worries now that she should have told someone. Bernie and Jason at least. She had only spoken to Mr Hanssen the evening before to request that she take up her post again on AAU today. He had willingly agreed, Ric would be needed back on Keller at any rate so there would be no treading on toes. She stood briefly outside, looking at the entrance to the hospital and taking deep, cleansing breaths as she readied herself for her first day back. She had no idea how anyone would react. How Bernie would react.

They hadn’t communicated during her time away, at her insistence. It had been 9 long months of self-imposed radio silence. Initially, Bernie had tried to keep in touch, but after constant unanswered emails or texts and calls sent straight to voicemail she had given up eventually. They hadn’t discussed who they were to each other in all the time Serena was gone, so she had no idea what they were now. Her own fault of course. She had missed Bernie but she couldn’t have kept her hanging on all that time, when she wasn’t able to promise that she would return. It would have been too unfair to expect her to wait for Serena, when she might never come back, and even if she did, who’s to say how they’d feel towards each other in the interim. Serena knew she wasn’t who she used to be before Ellie had died. It was only realistic to accept that part of her had died then too. But she felt stronger now, more herself than she had in a long time and not the monster she had become in the weeks and months since losing her daughter. Bernie had been different after Ellie’s death too. Serena hadn’t really been so wrapped up in herself that she hadn’t seen how withdrawn and defeated her big macho army medic was, she’d just been too selfish and lost to care. She could admit now that she had almost taken some twisted satisfaction out of pushing Bernie and everyone else away. They had to hurt because she was hurting. Once she could see that was what she was doing and started to feel badly about her behaviour was the day she’d decided to take the sabbatical.

Bernie had no idea that the love of her life was standing outside the hospital about to start her first shift back. She had been so desperate to keep in contact with Serena when she was gone, but had come to accept that Serena must have her reasons for being incommunicado. She couldn’t say she was happy about it but she wouldn’t do anything to disrupt the brunette’s healing process, so she stopped trying to get in touch. She missed Serena intensely but she had to confess she wasn’t sure who the brunette would be if she ever did come back. Maybe she wouldn’t be her Serena anymore. Her Serena had started to (understandably) fade when Elinor passed away. She hadn’t recognised her partner after that. What would be left of the old Serena, if anything, now?

They would be strangers to each other, Bernie thought sadly of any reunion that she might picture in her head. If Serena even did ever come back, they could be colleagues, perhaps after some time friends at best. She doubted they could ever be more again. She loved Serena still but she had learned to live without her and was finally pushing forward, with her head above water for the first time in a long time. At first she had refused to even utter Serena’s name and would never speak of how she longed for her to come back to her. She had tried to avoid being overly social and buried herself in work, because she had little else. Now she had Cam back at Holby and he was with Morven who was lovely. Bernie smiled at the thought of the young couple, just enjoying the first steps in their relationship. She went out more with her colleagues and had found a bigger place of her own. Jason had dinner with her there once a week and they had outings together most weekends. She would always be incredibly fond of him and had no intention of severing their bond just because his Aunt was gone. She still felt the hole left by Serena, but she was not consumed by it anymore. She was brought out of her thoughts by the shrill ringing of the trauma phone and braced herself for another day of chaos on AAU. If she wondered where on Earth Ric was, she didn’t have time to wait for an answer as she dashed off to theatre.

Serena had an email waiting for her from Hanssen when she booted up her computer for the first time. Bernie must be in theatre she thought, as there was no sign of the blonde. She was relieved that she’d have more time to prepare herself but also anxious to just get it over with. She realised that she was keen to see her again and that feeling surprised her. She had seen most of the other staff by now (including an awkward but heartfelt talk with Jasmine and an icy glare and total blanking from her sister) so maybe Bernie already knew and was avoiding her, she remembered all to well the efficiency of the rumour mill. Henrik’s email welcomed her back and explained that while she was being reinstated to her normally duties and responsibilities, she would be office bound until she was completely up to speed again. She glanced at the desks in front of her and saw first hand just how much paperwork Bernie had left unattended. Enough for the whole 9 months possibly! She smiled warmly thinking of the woman and her blatant distain for red-tape. He emphasised in the email that this would only be for a day or two, until AAU’s backlog was cleared and she had found her feet. He stressed that his door was always open should she need anything.

“Bern, you are not going to believe -” A tall brunette bursts into the office startling Serena and causing her to fling a pile of charts in the air in shock. “Oh God, I’m so sorry! Here, let me help you pick those up.” She bends down next to Serena and begins helping her lift everything back on to the desk. “So you’re not Bernie and you’re certainly not Mr Griffin...” The other woman stands with a slight chuckle at her observation skills and extends her hand to Serena. “I’m Alex Dawson. Bungling anaesthetist.” She smiles and shrugs at her own graceless entrance.

Serena freezes as she recognises the name, surely not the same Alex Dawson who was Bernie’s....

“Hey Al, next time you hear Ric Griffin say anything about shots whilst we’re in Albies just restrain me somehow and drag me home, ok? Any means necessary to save me from myself.” Bernie smiles as she breezes into the room, Serena hidden behind the flung open door. “Speaking of the old dog, you haven’t seen him anywhere? He’s meant to be working today.”

“Bit worse for wear are we, Bern?” Alex laughs at the blonde. “I have no idea where Ric is but he seems to have a replacement.” Alex’s eyes indicate someone on the other side of the office.

Bernie’s brow furrows in confusion. No one said anything about finally getting a locum and closes the door to see Serena behind it. “Serena?” Bernie looks as if she might fall over as a spectrum of emotions washes over her face. “I didn’t know you were back...”

Concern fills Alex’s eyes as she realises who the other woman is. She must be the Serena. Reflexively, she places a steadying hand on Bernie’s shoulder, a silent show of support.

“I only got back a couple of days ago.” Serena offers lamely and can’t think of anything else to say. She notes Alex’s hand on Bernie’s shoulder, and doesn’t really know how to feel about it, as her eyes dart between the two women in front of her. She can’t say for certain that it’s jealousy, but something squeezes at her heart and burns in her stomach. She should probably have expected Bernie to move on and she has no right to feel this way. Bernie deserved some happiness after everything...

“Right, come on you. We’re due in theatre soon.” Alex shakes Bernie out of her trance.

“Yeah. I... Just give me a minute, Al.” Bernie shakes whatever she was feeling off and moves over to sit at her desk and carry on working. The NHS waits for no man. Or woman. Even if they’ve just had the wind knocked out of them by the reappearance of the only person they’ve ever really loved. Bernie casts a furtive glance over the woman in question: Serena looks good. A little thinner maybe but still beautiful. Wait, what? She can’t have thought like that after all this time. After all this silence. Bernie’s face flushes as she prays Serena can’t read her thoughts.

Serena seems glued to the same spot she’s been standing in for at least 15 minutes now but she can’t move, can’t stop staring at Bernie. She’d almost forgotten how gorgeous she was, but now she took her breath away all over again. God she had missed her more than she realised....

“So, anyway. I came down to see you before we head in because I have good news.” Alex pipes up suddenly, all eyes look to her. “I have found you a date.”

“I wasn’t aware I was looking for one of those.” Bernie quips in return. Serena relaxes slightly, they weren’t together. But Alex was trying to set Bernie up with someone.

“It’s just a friend of Sara’s. Her name’s Amelia -” Alex starts to explain.

“No.” Bernie cuts her off.

“Oh come on Bern! She’s 48 -”

“No.”

“- a primary school teacher -”

“No.”

“She’s single. You’re single.”

“Hmmm.” Bernie rubs her chin as if considering the offer and Alex perks up. “Still no.” Bernie stands to leave. “Let’s get scrubbed in.”

“Bernie, when was the last time you went on a date? You can’t spend the rest of your life on your own, shutting everyone out just because...” Alex doesn’t say any more but she gives Serena a pointed, sad look. Serena hears her unspoken words loud and clear.

Bernie looks up to where Alex is staring at Serena. “Alex. Get a move on, Mr Watkins isn’t going to wait forever for this laparotomy.”

“She’s your height.” Alex continues, focusing back on Bernie.

“Who?” Bernie must have missed something.

“Amelia.” Alex says, as if it’s obvious.

“No.” Bernie opens the door a little forcefully and ushers Alex out.

“Brown hair....blue eyes....” Alex lists off everything she can think of trying to convince the blonde as they fall into step up the corridor.

“No.” Bernie starts to get exasperated.

They come back to the office a good while later, still having the same conversation.

“She loves going to the gym and she did the marathon this year.” Alex is almost whining now as Bernie refuses to back down.

“Alex you’ve been harping on about this woman for 2 hours. Are you sure you wouldn’t rather date her?” Bernie teases her friend.

“Just come with us. Sara will be there too. One drink in Albies and we’ll say no more about it. Unless you get on like a house on fire, which I know you will, and then I will gloat until the end of time and be best woman at your wedding, of course.” Alex gives Bernie her most winning smile and bats her eyelashes. “Please, Bernie. Please. I’ll get down and beg if I have to. One drink.” Alex raises her finger to indicate just one.

“You’ll shut up and leave me alone afterwards? No more dates with random friends of your fiancée? Don’t think I didn’t know what you were both doing “accidentally” bumping into her old work colleague last time we went out.” Bernie narrows her eyes at her friend.

‘Yes. I promise. Just have a drink with her. She is great and you will like her.”

“And when I don’t. We’re done, right?” Bernie wants to be perfectly clear.

“Absolutely. Is that a yes?” Alex looks hopeful.

“Fine. One drink and only one drink.” Bernie relents, if only to stop Alex prattling on about the poor woman.

“Excellent!” Alex plants a kiss on her friend’s cheek and heads out of the office. “See you tonight. Albies at 7pm.” She adds before slinking off.

“Tonight?! You never said... Alex?” Bernie looks both ways as she pops her head out the open office door but Alex is long gone. “Dammit Alex.” Bernie hisses under her breath.

Serena’s welcome back drinks were at Albies. Tonight. At 7pm. She’d had no intention of being there but now it seems she has no choice...


	2. Jealousy

“I’m sorry about all the backed up paperwork. Ric did his best to whip me into shape but old habits and all that.” Bernie smiles apologetically at Serena when they’re next alone together in the office that day. Anything to breach the insufferable and uncomfortable silence.

“I remember it was never really your thing.” Serena mirrors the smile and they both put their heads back down rather quickly, once they realise they’re just staring at each other otherwise. “I could have phoned or something to say I was coming home. I should have told you. I’m sorry.” Serena looks rather sheepish, as she knows it was the least she should have done.

“Does Jason know? He’d love to see you.” Bernie chances a look into deep brown eyes but tries not to hold it too long, not sure what she’ll see there.

“I didn’t tell anyone until Henrik last night that I was here. I only decided to come back a few days ago, but I can see now that it was wrong of me. You all deserved better. I kept in touch with Jason but I’m not sure he’ll want to see me again after how I was before I left.” Serena’s eyes shine with unshed tears and guilt.

“I tried to explain it all to him. I think he understands now and he’s missed you. He’s not the only one...” Bernie realises what she’s said too late and looks up startled at her own admission. “I mean...I... we have dinner together every Thursday night at my place. If you think it would be easier to have someone else there, you could join us. If you want to.”

“I’d really love to. Thank you, but I will call him as well first. He should be happier if we don’t spring it on him. I’ll be there at your apartment, Thursday night. What time suits?” Serena seems a little brighter.

“Oh I don’t live there anymore. Here I’ll write my new address out for you.” Bernie scribbles the details on a scrap of paper and reaches it over, trying to ignore the jolt of their fingers touching. “Say about 6.30pm.”

“You moved house.” Serena scans the address. “Nice area.” She smiles up at the blonde. “I’ll be there and let me know if I can bring or do anything for dinner.”

Bernie waves away the gesture. “It’s just fish and chips night. We normally don’t cook anything.” Both women turn a little melancholy at the reminder of a past tradition between Aunt and nephew, and later the three of them once the two women had become close.

“Most of the staff are welcoming me back with a few drinks tonight, if you can make it to Albies after shift.” Serena extends the invitation hoping Bernie will go.

“So I’ve heard. I am going to Albies later but Alex wants me to meet some friend of Sara’s or something.” Bernie tries to leave out the part where it’s supposedly a date. “Sara is her fiancée.” Bernie elaborates for absolutely no reason she can think of.

“Right, maybe I’ll see you there then.” Serena deflates before her eyes. “I hope your date goes well.”

“It’s not really a date.” Bernie brushes off the word. “She just wouldn’t take no for an answer and it’s only one drink and...” Bernie trails off, suddenly aware that she’s rambling.

“Well, well, well madre. I hear someone has a date tonight, who’s the lucky lady?” Cam’s timing and outburst could literally not be worse.

Bernie actually buries her face in her hands and tries not to die of shame. Serena has to hold back jealous tears.

“Come on Mum. I want all the details. Who is she? Alex says she’s very much your type, eh?” He nudges his mother knowingly.

“She’s just a friend of Sara and Alex, that’s all I know. Since when are you and Alex best buddies anyway?” Bernie rather tactlessly tries to deflect.

“Probably around the time she agreed with me that you need to go out more and get laid.” He replies with a cheeky grin.

“Cam!” Bernie prays for him to just stop talking.

“I’m serious Mum. Not about the getting laid part. Gross.” A shiver runs through him trying not to think about that. “You are too awesome to end up alone and I think it’s time for you to find happiness. Like Morven and I!” He finishes with a huge smile and pulls his Mum in for a hug. “I know you’ve been lonely and miserable and I’m sorry I wasn’t here. I love you Mum.”

A tear runs down Bernie’s cheek as she squeezes her boy closer to her. “I love you too, sweet boy.”

“And I’m sorry I won’t be there to spy on you and your date tonight but I have plans with my lovely girlfriend. Just show her a bit of the old Wolfe charm!” He winks as Bernie laughs, swatting playfully at his departing back, pushing him out of the door ahead of her when she heads off to get changed into her normal clothes.

Serena sits in stunned silence at the exchange, fighting tooth and nail to push back the tears threatening to fall. She jumps when Bernie comes back moments later.

“Serena, before I forget....” Bernie fishes a wad of notes out of her purse and hands them over. “...buy yourself and everyone a round on me. In case I don’t get the chance tonight. Enjoy your evening.” Then she’s gone again as quickly as she came.

“Thank you. You too.” Serena calls half heartedly after her and then lets the tears come.

Serena is already surrounded in Albies when she sees Alex Dawson walk in with her fiancée, hand in hand. The other woman with them must be Bernie’s date, although the blonde isn’t here yet. Serena appraises the woman from this safe distance and tries to keep her emotions in check. She was tall and slim, well dressed, not bad looking, brown hair and perhaps the blue eyes Alex had mentioned, Serena couldn’t see from where she sat. She seemed like a nice, uncomplicated date with undoubtedly none of the emotional baggage Serena had to offer. She’d probably be good for Bernie. Serena despised the stranger and shocked even herself with the strength of feeling that assailed her. She continues to smile and nod and answer well wishing enquiries about how she is, but she keeps one eye on the three women and the other on the door waiting for Bernie.

Her heart soared when the blonde made her way into the bar, until she remembered why she was there. Not to see Serena but this other woman. Suddenly her Shiraz didn’t taste so pleasant anymore and she pushed it away. She knew she was being ridiculous, she had no claim on Bernie. They were nothing but colleagues at most now, but she still burned with jealousy. Unexpected and unjustified jealousy. She watched through the shoulders of those opposite her at their table as Bernie made her way over to the three women. Hugging Alex and Sara with a quick peck on the cheek and then being introduced to their companion. Serena felt a pain straight through her heart, like someone plunging in a knife, as Bernie shook hands with the other woman with a friendly smile. Her eyes never left the blonde as she deposited her things at the table and moved off to buy a round at the bar. Her heart pounded inside her chest and her stomach twisted in tight knots as she tried to talk herself out of feeling this way. Bernie wasn’t hers. Wasn’t anyone’s. She attempted a calming breath but her lungs felt like they were on fire and her hands shook terribly as she had to ball them into fists to stop the trembling. Tears pricked at her eyes and she begged them not to make an appearance. The chatter around her sounded too loud and her head throbbed at the noise. She was suffocating and all she could do was look on as her soul mate carried on oblivious, seemingly enjoying her date with someone else.

Bernie had to make two trips to get all of the drinks back to the table. The sooner they shared the one drink she’d committed to, the sooner she could join Serena’s party or go home. Anything to end this charade that they all seemed to think was a date. She hadn’t caught sight of Serena yet but she knew she was here somewhere and that made this even worse. What kind of callous cow has a date in front of the woman she loved more than anything? What must Serena think of her parading around like she was moving on? Seeing Serena today had just made her remember how much she loves her and here she was drinking with another woman instead of scooping Serena up in her arms and never letting go. What a mess!

Bernie really tried to concentrate on what Amelia was saying and answer her questions, it was only polite after all. What she wanted to do was down her drink in one and slope off. She smiled when everyone else did and made all the right noises but her heart wasn’t in it. Not helping matters, she managed to find Serena’s eyes somehow, in the crowd watching her, and they offered each other a tight smile. God she wanted to be over there with Serena. No, truthfully she wanted to be somewhere quiet and private with the brunette and they could talk and kiss and hold each other again. But maybe Serena didn’t want that, so she should stop being such a lovesick fool and get on with her life. Just like Alex and Cam and everyone wanted. Why not? They wouldn’t steer her wrong and if Serena felt anything for her, she would say something. She was never reticent or taciturn like Bernie, if Serena had been looking to pick up where they were she’d have made that clear surely.

Bernie polished off the rest of her drink and made her excuses. She tried to find Serena in the throng to say goodnight but she couldn’t see her. Turning up her coat collar against the chill outside she started to head through the doors.

Once outside, she stopped for a moment to gather her thoughts and take a lungful of air hoping it would relax her.

“Bit early to jump ship on the poor woman, isn’t it?” Serena called to her from the shadows.

“I only agreed to one drink and I’ve had that so...” Bernie smiles and searches for her taxi home.

“Don’t have a light do you?” Serena says with lips around a cigarette, fumbling through her bag for a lost lighter.

“No can do I’m afraid. I quit a while ago.” Bernie walks towards the brunette.

Serena huffs out a harsh sigh and puts the cigarette back in the packet. “I suppose I can do without really.” She shrugs her shoulders and hugs herself against the cold. “Date not go well then?”

“On the contrary, she’s exactly my type.” Bernie says it as if it was bad news.

“Seeing her again?” Serena asks but doesn’t look up from the ground.

“I very much doubt it. It’s not really recommended to date someone, when you’re in love with someone else.” Bernie tilts Serena’s chin up so that she can see her eyes, hoping she will see her love reflected back. 

Serena’s breath catches in her throat as she studies the blonde’s face and sees her whole life in those huge brown eyes. “Bernie, I still -”

Alex appears then to check on her friend. “Bern, you left your phone behind. Taxi’s been calling to say he’s here.” Alex hands off the mobile and points to the blonde’s cab.

‘Right. Thanks Alex.” Bernie moves away from Serena then and reluctantly heads to the car.


	3. Only Hurting Each Other

She still what? Bernie’s head was swimming with possible ends to Serena’s sentence. Damn Alex showing up to interrupt them! She should have just waited for her to go back inside and let Serena finish the thought. Part of her knew she had left in the taxi because it was a possibility that she wouldn’t hear what she wanted to hear, that Serena had been about to tell her it was too late or that she didn’t have those feelings for Bernie anymore:

Bernie, I still need time... Or space...

Bernie, I still meant what I said before. I don’t know if there’s room for you in my future plans.

“Urgh!” Bernie groans and alerts the cabbie.

“Did you say something, love?” He glances at her in the rear view mirror.

“No, no. It’s nothing.” Bernie smiles and turns to stare out the window.

A small speck of light worms its way into the darkness swirling around her brain. What if she was about to say Bernie, I still love you?

There was only one way to find out, Bernie was going to ask her. She quickly informs the driver of the new destination, determined that she will sit on Serena’s doorstep all night waiting if she has to.

It turned out that she didn’t have to wait all night, not very long at all really. Serena must have decided to head home not long after Bernie. But she isn’t alone.

“Bernie?” Serena eyes widen as the blonde scrambles up off the ground to stand in front of Serena and some man who had his arm around her, hand possessively resting at the small of her back. Bernie watched them, a cold stare masking her agony.

“Well, I appreciate the lift home Robbie. Goodnight.” Serena tried to dismiss the man as she took a step closer to Bernie. The blonde staggered backwards as if she’d been pushed over. 

“I was kind of hoping you would invite me in. For that coffee.” His tone and the way he held his mouth close to the brunette’s ear as he spoke made it abundantly clear that a hot beverage was the last thing on his mind. His words also implied that the invitation had already been given before they’d found some random woman at Serena’s door.

“Don’t let me stop you. I was just leaving.” Bernie barged past the brunette as she tried not to break into a full out run to get away from them. She felt like she was dying with every hurried step taking her further from Serena. The woman she loved, who was clearly about to sleep with someone else. Oh God she was such an idiot.

“Bernie, wait!” Serena had to run to catch up with the blonde. “Please wait!” She called desperately after Bernie as she reached out to tug Bernie to a halt. “ Just let me explain -”

“You don’t owe me an explanation. You can screw whoever you like!” Bernie spat out as she wrenched free of the brunette’s grasp.

“No it’s not like that, Bernie you know that’s not what this is.” Serena’s eyes plead with the blonde to listen to her.

“It’s fine, Serena. You’re a big girl and he obviously still wants you, so best of luck to you both.” Bernie turns to walk away as she bites her lip against the sting of tears.

“Why were you here tonight?” Serena asks as Bernie faces away from her.

“It hardly matters now.” Bernie sniffs as she tries to contain the sob lodged in her throat.

“Bernie...” Serena’s voice sounds broken, and the pain inside makes Bernie snap, as Serena grabs hold of her again.

“Just stay away from me!” Bernie pulls back from her. “Leave me the hell alone Serena. Enough is enough.” Bernie’s words are filled with a venom Serena had never known the blonde possessed and she steps back, almost frightened. Bernie sees the fear and instantly regrets the force of her outburst. More softly this time, she adds. “Just go back to Robbie and leave me be.” 

Bernie walks off and cries her eyes out the whole way home and all through the night until her alarm tells her to get up for work.

They both say very little to the other at work the following day and both can see that the other’s eyes are red and puffy from crying but still nothing is said, until Serena has enough of the silent treatment, slamming her pen down on the desk, she ensures she has the blonde’s undivided attention.

“I didn’t know he was going to show up at Albies after you left and I was heading home anyway, so he said he would drive me. I only offered to buy him a coffee sometime as a thank you for the lift. I didn’t intend for him to think I meant it as an invite inside and I certainly didn’t want to sleep with him. I should have just said no to the lift and gotten a taxi but I didn’t mean for him to get the wrong idea. I swear it, I’m not interested in Robbie. I made sure he knew that after you left.” Serena’s eyes blaze willing Bernie to accept the truth, to believe her.

“Like I said, you don’t have to explain anything to me. I’m not your keeper.” Bernie sulks behind her monitor, deep down she knows she can trust Serena, it’s Robbie who’s the unknown entity. Besides, they weren’t together anymore so Serena could have had any number of relationships in the 9 months she’d been gone.

“Bernie, how could I sleep with Robbie. With anyone else, when I’m -” Serena is cut off by a knock on the office door. “Come in!” She says a bit too sharply, annoyed by the intrusion.

“Amelia. Hello again.” Bernie springs up from her chair and stares open mouthed, not sure what is going on.

“Hi Bernie. Don’t worry, I’m not some crazy stalker woman.” She chuckles at her own joke before realising that’s exactly what she looks like without further information. “One of the little ones in my class had a run in with the corner of his desk and I’m waiting for his parents to arrive. I bumped into Alex and she said that one of you might be able to stitch the wound, she pointed me to your office. I’m sorry if I’m not meant to be here. I can just go back out to sit with him and wait for another doctor. Sorry to bother you...” She shuffles back the way she came and Bernie puts a hand out to stop her.

“Hang on Amelia. It’s fine. Alex clearly needs a reminder of procedures, but I’ll come and do the sutures for you now.” Bernie smiles kindly as she leads the woman back out on to the ward again. “Did he lose consciousness at all, we might need to do a scan...?” Bernie voice fades out as she moves further away from the office.

A little while later when she’s done little Charlie’s stitches and ordered all the necessary scans to be sure, she’s back to staring at the same chart as before she left and wrestling between wanting to talk to Serena and pretend she doesn’t exist. The latter is winning so far. 

“So Bern, Amelia’s here huh?” Alex wanders in acting as if it’s a complete surprise to her.

“You know full and well she is. You sent her in here to look for me.” Bernie refuses to look up from her paperwork.

“Whatever do you mean?” Alex has the gall to look affronted by the accusation.

“Don’t feign all innocent with me. The only thing about this you didn’t orchestrate was that 6 year old’s head injury, even you wouldn’t be so cruel and devious... I think.” Bernie fixes Alex with a “you’re fooling no one, least of all me” look.

“Ok fine, I surrender. Guilty as charged, Major.” Alex holds her hand up. “I just figured that since you’ll both be at the wedding in 3 weeks and she’s not bringing anyone, you’re not bringing anyone. She’s standing for Sara and you for me. You could be each other’s date and -”

“Alex.” Bernie tone indicates she is not to be played with thank you very much.

“It’s a great plan. One look at you in full dress uniform and she’ll swoon straight into your arms. Besides, she told Sara and Sara told me that she likes you. So there.” Alex sing songs like she’s about Charlie’s age.

“Very mature, Alex.” Bernie signs off one chart and moves to the next one.

“Anyway, I’m due in theatre so I’ll catch up with you later.” Alex jumps off Bernie’s desk (Serena thought perhaps it was an army think to avoid using chairs.) “How’s your speech coming on?” Alex sticks her tongue out as her parting short.

Bernie throws her pen at Alex’s head but hits the closing door instead. “Shit, I forgot about my bloody speech!” She moans under her breath.

Serena’s smile at imagining Bernie having to deliver a whole speech does not go unnoticed by the blonde.

“I don’t know what you’re smiling at Ms Campbell. It’s not like I’ll be coming to you for pointers.” Bernie stands and points a mocking finger at the brunette before retrieving her pen. “I remember how well the last speech you made went down, Fraulein.” Bernie leans over Serena’s desk taunting her playfully.

“Don’t remind me.” Serena laughs and swats at Bernie’s upper arm with the back of her hand.

“Ouch.” Bernie laughs back and fakes rubbing her arm in pain.

“Oh shush you big baby.” Serena giggles and swats at Bernie again but the blonde is ready for her and catches Serena’s wrist, pulling her to her feet to face her.

“You are in trouble now, Campbell.” Bernie keeps hold of the brunette’s wrist and both women revel in the touch.

“Oh really Ms Wolfe. How so?” Serena challenges, stepping toe to toe with the blonde and holding her gaze.

Bernie leans down to capture Serena’s mouth with her own and mere millimetres before the contract she brushes her words against Serena’s lips. “Serena, tell me this is what you want.” Her eyes dart up to look into Serena’s, to make sure she isn’t overstepping the mark.

“You know it is.” Serena’s warm breath on her lips is enough to convince the blonde.

An ill-timed knock at the door forces them apart.

“Oh for the love of God!” Serena shouts as she has to sit back at her desk and Bernie does the same.

“Come in.” Bernie calls breathlessly, as her heart refuses to stop beating wildly in her chest.

“Hello Bernie. Sorry to bother you again. I just wanted to say thank you for taking care of Charlie today. He’s convinced you are Superwoman and is telling anyone who’ll listen all about being a doctor when he grows up.” Amelia smiles warmly at the blonde.

“My pleasure.” Bernie returns the smile. “If only all my patients were as good!”

“His Mum’s here to sit with him now so I’m just heading out. Thanks again.” Amelia waves and starts to leave. “Actually, while I’m here. I was wondering if you would like to have dinner with me sometime? Maybe tomorrow night?” Amelia shuffles nervously from foot to foot waiting for an answer.

“Oh well, I.... it’s very kind of you to ask but I -“ Bernie begins trying to let the woman down gently, but they are interrupted by a delivery.

“Flowers for a Ms Serena Campbell.” The man glances down at the clipboard in one hand to check the name and holds a huge bouquet in the other hand.

“That’s me.” Serena takes the flowers.

“Sign here please.” The man points to the clipboard.

“Thank you.” Serena looks curiously at the arrangement and plucks out the card. Her face falls and all her colour drains.

“Who are they from?” Bernie knows she doesn’t want to know but can’t stop herself.

“Robbie.” Serena whispers the name as if it causes her pain to say it, as the card slips from her fingers and her eyes beg Bernie not to react badly to this.

“Amelia, I’d love to have dinner with you, tomorrow night works for me.” Bernie never takes her eyes off Serena as she watches her words spear the brunette’s heart.


	4. A Step in the Right Direction

“Well done, Berenice. A right pig’s ear you made of things.” Bernie dumps her keys unceremoniously on to the hall table as she leans back against her front door, counting off all of the stupid decisions she’s made today. Ever since Serena came back truthfully.

She moves swiftly to the kitchen, honing in on the whiskey bottle in one of the top cupboards and grabbing a glass from the drainer. She pours herself a generous measure and downs it in one, the welcome sting as the liquid travels to her stomach, distracting from the inner turmoil even if only temporarily. 

How could she have agreed to dinner with a woman she knew she wasn’t attracted to just because of a meaningless bunch of flowers? She’d never get the image of Serena’s face out of her mind. All for what? Jealousy? Spite? When did she become so vindictive? She was only hurting both of them and being utterly unfair to Amelia...

The next day she can barely look Serena in the eye, but even through her own discomfort and embarrassment she can see that Serena is off today and she knows it’s because it’s the first anniversary of Elinor’s death. She could never forget the date and she wanted to reach out to Serena somehow, wishes she knew what to say or do for her.

Serena knows she should maybe have taken the day off, given the circumstances it would have been more than allowed, but she thinks it might be better to just keep busy. It’s her first day back in theatre and she is being assigned routine procedures. She is pleased that it still comes naturally and that she could do most of it with her eyes closed, there is no tremor in her hands or light sweat on her forehead as she had feared there might be. The only indication of anything amiss is that Bernie has been asked to scrub in with her, just in case.

Once the patient is ready to be closed up, she lets Morven take over and the two women head to scrub out again.

They haven’t spoken much beyond the work related necessities so Serena is taken aback when Bernie stops her from leaving the scrub room with a gentle hand on her forearm.

“Serena, I remember what today is. Ellie...” She looks up to see Serena’s eyes shine with sadness. “Anniversaries and birthdays are hard. I just wanted to say that if you need me...I mean, if you need anything....” Bernie squeezes Serena’s arm to convey her meaning. She feels Serena place her free hand on top of Bernie’s and it’s like coming home after a long spell lost in a storm.

“I’ll be fine.” Serena gives Bernie’s hand a pat as she slips away from the touch.

Bernie can see that she isn’t fine and who would blame her? She sees the tired lines around her eyes where she probably didn’t sleep last night. She can see the slump of her shoulders and wants to wrap her in a warm hug.

When they reach the end of their shift, Bernie comes back to the office for her coat and bag, after changing out of her scrubs. Serena is just about ready to leave when their paths cross. “Goodnight Bernie, I hope you have a nice dinner.” Serena smiles but doesn’t wait for a response before she heads off.

Bernie hadn’t registered the date when she’d said yes to Amelia, she was spurred on by selfish reasons and now she feels like a despicable human being. She drags her pathetic ass out to her car and drives away.

Shortly after arriving home, Serena groans when her doorbell rings, just as she was about to wallow on the couch with her old pal Shiraz. Who in the world could this be? She hopes whoever it is will make it quick and leave her in peace.

“Bernie?” She can’t say she was expecting that. “What are you doing here?”

“I brought your favourite from the Chinese up the road, I thought you might need to eat something. I also had some things made for you, I never had the chance to give them to you. I hope you don’t mind that I stumbled upon some of your old home movies and had them all put onto one DVD and there was a shoebox full of Ellie’s photos, so I had copies made and I put them all together in an album. Maybe today isn’t the right time for them but...” Bernie hands off the parcels in her arms and says her goodbyes, before bouncing down the front steps to her car.

“Looks like you bought enough food to feed an army.” Serena chances and Bernie turns to offer a small smile. “And you would know probably. Would you like to come in and help me eat it?” Serena looks so hopeful and Bernie could never refuse this beautiful woman.

“Only if you’re sure, I mean if you’d rather be left alone I understand.” Bernie waits on the threshold uncertain.

Serena inclines her head and steps aside to let the blonde enter. “Why don’t you have a seat on the sofa and I’ll dish up the food. Do you want a glass of Shiraz or something else to drink?”

“Shiraz is fine.” Bernie hadn’t had a single drop of the stuff since Serena left, she couldn’t taste it without thinking of the brunette.

They spend the meal mostly with Serena talking, she regales Bernie with all she’d seen and done on her travels and tells some tentative stories about Ellie. Bernie just listens and watches her, she still has some of the tension she once did but she seems a lot better than she had been for a while. Once their plates are empty, Bernie starts to make a move to do the dishes and go home.

Serena holds on to her wrist to stop her from getting up. “I want to watch the DVD and see the album. Will you stay?”

Bernie nods and clears up the dinner things, loading the plates and cutlery into the dishwasher before sitting back down while Serena sets up the DVD.

“Bernie?” Serena settles beside her on the sofa.

“Hm?” Bernie turns towards her.

“What about your date?” Serena searches the blonde’s face.

“I cancelled.” Bernie takes a gulp of her wine to give herself a moment. “Some things are more important and when I realised what day it was... I never should have agreed to it regardless of the timing. I did it for all the wrong reasons. I told her it was a mistake, that there was somewhere else I needed to be.”

“Bernie, I am so sorry for how I was when Ellie died, I was terrible. Not just to you but I should never have treated you -”

“Serena, you were coping with the worst thing that anyone can ever go through. No apology necessary.” Bernie laces their fingers together on one hand and holds on tightly.

“It’s no excuse. I’m so sorry.” A lone tear slips down Serena’s cheek. “I’m sorry too for not being in touch when I was away. I just knew that if I heard your voice or contacted you I would have wanted to come home to you and I wasn’t ready for that. You deserved to have a better version of me come back to you and I couldn’t be that person until now.”

“I’m just glad that you’re feeling stronger.” Bernie means it with every part of her.

“And Robbie, there’s nothing there you know? I don’t even know why he sent those flowers.”

“Let’s not worry about any of that tonight. Just take today to think of Ellie, we don’t need to go through everything now. Come on, let’s see the videos.” Bernie grabs the controller and looks to Serena to check it’s ok before pressing the play button.

Serena rests her head on the blonde’s shoulder as they hold hands throughout. Silent tears trickle down the brunette’s cheeks as images of her beautiful girl fill the screen: everything from the day she was born, through first steps and school plays, to more recent videos of Ellie on her birthdays. It was a gorgeous montage of her daughter’s best moments and Serena adored it.

“Oh Bernie, that was amazing. Thank you so much.” Serena smiles through the tears.

After that they sat and flicked through the album as Serena told Bernie all about each image and she even could laugh at some of the funny photos, gently running a finger over her daughter’s beautiful face at various points in their lives. Both women had a giggle at some of the hairstyles Serena had sported throughout the years, and it was such a relief to Serena that she could remember Ellie fondly, with less of the crippling pain she had carried in previous months.

Eventually Serena starts to tire as both suddenly notice how late it is, so she makes movements to tidy up before bed.

“Leave that. I’ll clear all this up and take off, you go on to bed and get some sleep.” Bernie offers kindly. “Maybe we could show all these to Jason tomorrow night, he’d probably like that.” Bernie ejects the disc from the player and puts it back in the case.

“Bernie, would you...would it be alright....I mean...I...” Serena struggles with what she wants to ask. “I don’t want to be alone tonight. Could you stay with me?” She hazards a quick look at the blonde before looking away.

“Oh well, is the guest room set up? Or I can grab a blanket and kip on the sofa.” Bernie misunderstands the request.

“No, I meant could you stay with me. In my room. In my bed.” Serena flushes at the possible implications and sighs at her own rambling.

“Ok.” Is all Bernie can say with a lopsided smile, as she watches Serena being all adorably flustered.

Once they are lying in Serena’s bed again together for the first time in months, Bernie lies rigidly on one side of the mattress afraid to get close to Serena.

“Hold me, please Bernie.” Those words are all it takes to make her move. Serena rests her head on Bernie’s shoulder with the blonde’s arms around her and Serena’s arm gripping the blonde’s waist.

“Better?” Bernie looks down into Serena’s eyes.

“Much.” Serena meets her gaze with a smile, as she traces Bernie’s cheekbones with her fingertips. “When I said I didn’t want to be alone, what I really meant was that I want you to be here. No one else. Only you.”

“I’m here. I’ll always be here.” Bernie says with such certainty that it makes Serena’s heart swell. “Goodnight Serena.” She places a soft kiss to the brunette’s forehead. She waits for the brunette to drift off before joining her in a restful night’s sleep.


	5. Previously Unspoken

Serena stirs when it is still mostly dark outside, but there is just enough light filtering in for her to make out Bernie sleeping next to her. Well, half underneath her. They had stayed more or less where they were, with Serena's head on the blonde's shoulder and wrapped up in each other. In that moment everything she felt for the other woman washed over her as she took in Bernie's sleeping face. She had missed her, was still completely in love with her and now all she had to do was tell her. A steely reserve settled in as she told herself she would be honest with the blonde as soon as they woke up in the morning. She was lulled back to sleep by the steady, rhythmic breathing of the amazing woman in her arms.

Bernie woke slowly and tried to figure out where the hell she was. It seemed her brain was not in the mood for cooperation as she came up empty for a few hazy moments. This was what civilian life had done to her reflexes, if she'd still been in the army her mind would be sharp and focused, as it had to be, the second she was awake. Now she was all complacent and cosy. She did however register a warm body next to her somewhere in the recesses of her mind, her hand gave a soft squeeze to the cotton covered butt cheek it was definitely resting on. Both women released a satisfied hum at the feeling. Her mind started to tell her that there was also someone else’s hand up the front of her sleep t-shirt, precariously close to the underside of one breast. As the hand's owner started to wake, thanks to Bernie groping her ass no doubt, the fingers splayed out and inched closer to her now hardening nipple. Bernie gasped out a breath at the touch and turned in time to see impossibly dark eyes open to meet her own. Serena. She had stayed with her last night. 

This wouldn't have been the first time they'd woken in similar positions and normally carried on to make love before having to get up. Bernie's body ached with the memory of their previous early morning exploits, but they had been together then. Now they were not. That thought propelled the blonde out of the bed, almost causing whiplash for the brunette, whose head had been resting on Bernie’s shoulder until she sprang away from her.

It seemed almost like an eternity passed as both stared at the other, breathing sped up and hearts racing as they took in each other's wide eyed expressions.

“I'm just... Breakfast! I'll go make breakfast. Coffee?” Bernie cracks first, pointer fingers indicating the door and an unconvincing faux cheeriness making her voice sound more strangled than anything else.

Serena sits up on one elbow, nodding dumbfounded at the turn of events, not trusting her own voice to not betray her as she watches Bernie leave. She flops back onto her pillow with a huff as she tries to decide what was going on. Bernie had at least hinted that she was still in love with her and they had almost kissed a few times already. It made no sense for her to scarper like a frightened puppy now....

Bernie scurried into the kitchen out of breath. What the fuck was that?! Jesus... Serena was barely back a week and she was accosting her in her own bed. With Ellie's anniversary hardly passed. Bernie felt like such a cad. She blustered and banged about the worktops trying to keep her mind on making the coffee. It didn't help that she knew where everything was and could do nothing but think back to all the times she had cooked for them in this very kitchen. It was heart wrenchingly familiar and she needed to pull herself together. Serena didn't need some ridiculous hormone fuelled suitor pawing at her like a sex starved teenager. She needed a friend. Yes, that's what she would do, that's what they would be. Friends. Just friends.

“Bernie?” Serena’s voice cut through the blonde's thoughts and made her jump. Spilling her coffee all over her hand and her t-shirt.

“Shit!” Bernie hisses at the pain and moves to dry herself off with a tea towel.

Serena frowns at the blonde's jumpiness and steps closer to try to help her.

Bernie holds a hand out to keep her at arm's length and Serena can't help but be stung by the rejection. She decides to power through and make good on her resolve to tell Bernie how she feels.

“I wanted to thank you for what you did yesterday. For staying with me.” Serena starts with a bright smile.

Bernie freezes in her drying efforts. Now seemed as good a time as any to test the waters of her revelation. “It's no problem. That's what friends do.” The word sits uneasy on her tongue and then hangs heavy in the air between them.

“Friends?” Serena’s voice offers a hollow echo of Bernie’s sentiment. A look of hurt and disappointment flashes across her features but she shuts it down immediately. “I see. Of course.” Serena’s smile stretches painfully as she tries not to choke on her words. “If that's what you -”

“It's for the best.” Bernie cuts her off and tries to pretend not to see how lost the brunette looks. “I need to go. I should go. Need to grab a shower and change before my shift starts.” Bernie flies out of the room to throw on her clothes from yesterday and mumbles a quick “see you later” as she rushes to the front door and leaves.

Serena sinks into a dining chair when her legs turn to jelly watching Bernie walk out on her. The tears that follow offer no relief from the pain inside her chest as she feels her heart irreparably shatter into a million pieces.

“You cancelled on Amelia.” Alex stands cross armed in front of Bernie in the office, she'd just arrived for their shift and was really not in the mood for this.

“I did.” Bernie sees no point in denying it, eyeing the other woman defiantly.

“She told Sara that apparently you told her that you had somewhere more important to be.” Alex waits for an explanation.

“That's right.” Bernie wasn't giving her much to go on.

“I think that might have been my fault.” Serena looks between the two apologetically.

Bernie shakes her head kindly at Serena, she had nothing to be sorry for. “It doesn't matter where I was Alex. I'm well within my rights as a grown woman to alter my plans as I see fit.”

“Bern, when was the last time you even went on a date?” Alex looks at her friend as if she is some lost cause to be saved and Bernie loses it.

“That is none of your damn business! What gives you the authority to run my love life for me?” Bernie snarls at the taller brunette.

“I just want you to be happy.” Alex flounders.

“Why Amelia? Why now? Why are you pushing this Alex?” Bernie can't understand her friend's sudden concern.

“Why were you even with her instead of Amelia anyway?” Alex stabs a finger in Serena’s direction but her eyes never leave Bernie.

“Alex!” Bernie's tone is a warning to leave Serena out of this. One which she doesn't heed.

“I don't get it Bern. The only reason I even know about you and her...” Alex gestures at Serena again. “...is whispered rumours and hearsay. You won't talk to me about what she did to you, we used to be best friends and I'm not blind, I know she hurt you. She left you, hasn't spoken to you in months and you never told me why. How can you just let her walk all over you?”

“You don't know what you're talking about.” Bernie tries to leave but Alex blocks her path. “Don't do this Alex, get out of my way!”

“Not until you talk to me. What don't I understand? Why would you turn down a date with Amelia and go to her?” Alex is desperately trying to keep Bernie there, make her talk to her.

“Because my daughter died.” Serena interjects. “One year ago. Yesterday.”

“Damn you Alex.” Bernie storms out of the room, tears streaming down her face.

Alex stands open mouthed at the exchange and feels like a complete shit. “I...I didn't know. I'm so sorry. She didn't tell me. Oh God, I'm sorry.”

“You couldn't have known.” Serena states the obvious.

“Why would she keep this quiet? I don't understand... I think I better go make sure she's ok.” Alex heads off to find the blonde and doesn't notice Serena follow her.

Alex hears Bernie before she sees her. She seems to be ransacking the locker room, throwing things and hitting locker doors, all while sobbing her eyes out in an angry fog.

“Bernie, Bernie. Stop!” Alex grabs her from behind and wrapping her arms over the top of the blonde's to halt her destruction. “Easy, easy. Bernie, please calm down.”

“Let go of me!” Bernie tries to wriggle free but she's too exhausted to resist and breaks down further in the brunette’s embrace. The cry that escapes her throat sounds like a wounded animal and Alex aches for her friend.

“Bernie, what's brought all this on?” She'd never seen the blonde like this before.

“Why did you have to push? You didn't need to know about Ellie.” Bernie spins towards her friend, angry and hurt.

“Ellie? Is that Serena’s daughter?” Bernie nods in confirmation. “Why didn't you tell me?”

“It's my fault.” Bernie sobs out.

“What is?” Alex looks at her friend confused.

“She died because of me.” Bernie drops to her knees as the weight of unspoken guilt cripples her.

“What?” Alex kneels to keep hold of the blonde. “I really don't believe that. I know you Bern.”

“The accident that caused her brain injury was because of me. If I hadn't been reading her article, Jason would never have spotted her mistake. She never would have fought with Serena and gotten in her car. Then I was so focused on Jason, I never thought to make sure someone checked Ellie over properly.”

“I really don't think that Serena blames you. She clearly still loves you.” Alex tries to make her see sense.

“I couldn't save her. I was one of the first to find her after she collapsed. I had to tell Serena. She'll never forgive me, Alex. Not really. Ellie was so angry at her Mum's supposed Sapphic midlife crisis. If Serena was never with me, then Ellie would be alive.”

“Is that what you think?” Serena appears in the doorway, tears soaking her face, clearly having heard every word.


	6. Where We Stand

“I'll just give you both some space.” Alex gives Bernie a quick hug and stands up to smile warmly at Serena on the way out.

“Bernie, I -” Serena steps towards the blonde, wiping away the remnants of tears on her cheeks.

“Please. Serena. Don't.” Bernie rocks back on her toes and pushes herself up to standing.

“But I don't want you to blame yourself for what happened to Ellie. It was an accident. You didn't make her take cocaine and get into her car that day.” Serena hedges closer to Bernie, who steps away from her.

“It crossed your mind though, didn't it? That day you were going through her chart looking for answers. You yelled at me to give her back to you. Because you feel that I took her from you.” Bernie ignores the tears blinding her and wetting her face.

“No, Bernie I was angry at everyone then. I wasn't thinking straight, lashing out at you all. No one could have predicted it. I blamed myself for the longest time. Not you. Never you.” Serena reaches out for the blonde's hand but Bernie flinches away. “Bernie. Please.” Serena begs for some contact, desperate to bridge the gap between them.

“I can't forgive myself, Serena. Why should you?” Bernie brushes passed the brunette, trying to leave.

“There's nothing to forgive. It wasn't your fault.” Serena pulls Bernie to her trying to hold her. “I love you.” She can't stop herself from surging forward and capturing the blonde's lips with her own in a loving kiss. “I do.” Kiss. “I love you.” Kiss. “I never stopped.” Kiss. “Bernie...” She deepens the kiss and feels the blonde start to respond. They stumble into the lockers as Serena pushes herself flush to Bernie with a desperation born of months of nothing. “I've missed you so much.” She rests her forehead against the blonde's and can't fight the huge smile almost splitting her face in two, as her hands gather fistfuls of dark blue scrubs.

“Serena.” Bernie can barely catch her breath enough to sigh out her name. Her dark eyes search the brunette’s face for any trace of doubt. Seeing none, she smiles her first genuine smile in what feels like forever. “I've missed you too.” Bernie feels another tear fall.

Serena wipes it away with the pad of her thumb as she kisses the blonde again softly. “Have dinner with me tomorrow night.”

“Are you asking me out?” Bernie glances at her shyly through her fringe.

“I do believe so.” Serena giggles. “I would like us to spend some time together getting to know each other again. I want to be with you.” She adds with complete sincerity.

“I think that sounds wonderful.” Bernie gives her the small almost imperceptible smile she had the day of their first kiss and Serena’s heart soars.

“Bernie. There's something I need to apologise for.” Serena turns serious and Bernie’s face drops with worry.

“What is it?” She's afraid to ask.

“That day when I decided to leave, I told you that you loving me didn't make me feel better...” Bernie crumbles at the memory. “...I didn't mean it. Please look at me, Bernie.” Serena lifts her head to look into her eyes. “You are one of the only things that mattered. Knowing that you loved me has been my rock all this time, I never would have survived without you. Thank you for being brave enough to stand up to me and making me realise that I couldn't lash out like that anymore. I'm so sorry I made you feel like you weren't enough.” Serena traces her beautiful Bernie’s face with the tips of her fingers. “For all of the horrible things I said and did, I am so sorry.”

“I can't help but feel like if you'd never meet me... I can't quite bring myself to regret it, because I have never loved anyone the way I love you, Serena. But if it wasn't for me...” Bernie breaks down again and Serena holds her as close as she can.

“I promise you. This was not your fault.” Serena whispers into soft, blonde curls before placing a kiss there. “No arguments, I'm going to ask Hanssen for the rest of today off and you're coming home with me.” Bernie begins to protest. “No, Raf is back on AAU, we have Ollie Valentine and Ric is around if really necessary. You and I are going home. We can talk some more or just relax for a few hours before fish and chips night. I just want to spend time with you.” Serena all but forces Bernie to put her civvies back on while she goes to square everything with Henrik.

While Bernie tries to clear up the mess she made of the locker room, Alex comes back in.

“Are you ok?” She watches her friend closely.

“I think so.” Bernie stops to stare out the window, chin resting on her arms against the sill.

“I'm so sorry Bern. I wish I'd known... it's obvious you two have a lot to work through but I can see you're still in love with each other. I should never have pushed... everything with Amelia. God I feel awful, I was a terrible friend to you.”

“You didn't know. How could you? I know you only wanted to help.” Bernie turns with a small smile.

“You should bring Serena with you to the wedding.” Alex nudges her friend's shoulder and flashes a playful smile, an unspoken signal that she accepted that Bernie only had eyes for the vascular surgeon. “Come on, let's get this place cleared up.”

“Thanks Al.” Bernie bends to work side by side with her friend to tidy her mess.

“I wish I'd known how much Serena means to you. You know I'd never stand in the way if I had thought... I only want you to be happy. I feel like a right interfering cow.” Alex stands to throw some unsalvageable posters in the bin.

“You had good intentions, I know you were just trying to be my friend.” Bernie pats the brunette on the shoulder and pulls her in for a one armed hug.

Alex's phone beeps in her scrubs pocket and she sees a text from Sara. “Ah now, Major it would appear our presence is required for a pre-wedding run through. Sara and Amelia have a final dress fitting tomorrow in town and she wants us all to have dinner. You up for it?”

“I can't tomorrow night. Serena wants to go out. On a bit of a date I suppose.” Bernie flushes shyly, as if she'd never been on a date before.

“Bring her along.” Alex offers kindly. “If she'd like to come I mean.

“That wouldn't be very fair, poor Amelia would feel a bit put out surely with two couples there. Besides, I think I'd like to be alone with Serena. Not like that!” Bernie admonishes the mischievous grin on Alex's face with a swat to the side.

“Ok, ok. I'll check with Sara if we can go on Saturday instead. If this gets me in trouble with my fiancée just over two weeks from the wedding, it's on your head my friend.” Alex fires off a quick reply.

Serena wanders back to the locker room for the blonde. Henrik had been very understanding and given them both the rest of the day off, very few questions asked. “Ready?” She pops her head round the door to see the other two just finishing up.

“Serena are you sure, I really think one of us should stay. I don't mind, I'm feeling fine now.” Bernie has never taken a day of leave in her life unless it was absolutely necessary.

“Come on, we are both going.” Serena was taking no prisoners.

“I'll let you know about Saturday.” Alex gives the blonde a soft nudge towards the other brunette.

They head back to Serena's in her car and Bernie feels very uneasy, both about the unexpected time off and the reason for it.

“It's just a one-off Bernie, neither of us makes a habit of skiving.” Serena says lightly, as if she's read the blonde's mind. “And I feel it's warranted to make sure you're ok.”

“You don't need to worry about me.” Bernie mumbles, eyes firmly fixed out her side window.

“Need to or not, we're in this together. I care about how you are and I want to look out for you. You would do the same for me. God knows you have plenty of times.” Serena squeezes her thigh affectionately. “How long have you been holding on to the idea that what happened to Ellie was your fault somehow?”

Bernie shrugs and mumbles something unintelligible.

Serena pulls the car over as soon as she sees somewhere safe to stop. “Bernie, talk to me please. I don't want you to bottle everything up until you explode like earlier. I need to know that you hear me when I say you had no part in what happened and the last thing I would want is to have never met you. I don't know what I'd do without you...” Serena trails off as the emotion becomes too much.

“I can't help thinking that I did everything wrong with us. Even before Ellie. Running away to Ukraine and you forgave me so easily. You deserve better than me, Serena. You always have. I wasn't able to help you, so many times when I should have known what to do. I always did the wrong thing.” Bernie tries to meet Serena’s eyes but she can't look at her. “Perhaps it's best if we just go our separate ways, I don't want to hurt you anymore.” She opens the car door, jumping out by the side of the road and starts to walk away. Tears blurring her vision and shoulders hunched in defeat.

“Bernie Wolfe, you stop right this instant! Don't you dare walk away from me!” Serena’s plea chases her as she takes a few more steps. “I mean it, if you don't stop right now....” Serena breaks into a half jog to catch her. “... don't you even think of coming crawling back. I won't stand for it.” Serena spins her around, eyes wide and desperate.

“Don't you see? I'm no good for you. I just cause you pain and suffering.” Bernie tries to tug free of the brunette’s grip.

“No, Bernie that's not true. You are the best thing that has happened to me in a very long time. If it wasn't for you I know I would never have survived this. I came back because of you. For you.” Serena clings to the other woman, fighting to keep her with her. “I can't lose you.” Serena’s voice breaks just at the thought.

Bernie can't stop herself from kissing her. No matter what else she feels, she knows that she wants Serena, loves her completely. Cupping the brunette's face in her hands, she would never need anything else ever again if she could just keep kissing Serena. If ever a kiss could convey the contents of a person’s heart and soul, this would be it. “I am so in love with you.” Bernie whispers the declaration against Serena’s lips as she pulls away far enough to look at her.

“I can't even explain how much I love you.” Serena brushes her lips to the blonde's and tucks unruly curls behind Bernie ear. “Let's go home.” Serena slides her hand down from it's resting place on Bernie’s shoulder to link with the blonde’s.

They walk back to the car and drive off towards Serena’s house again.


End file.
